Preacher or Pastor?

I spent years of my life being one of the biggest jerks you could ever meet. I had a talent for, within minutes of meeting someone, finding a weakness or soft spot that I might exploit if I ever needed to put that person in their place or enhance my own status in their company. I was known for my sense of humor, though really my sense was all off, my humor was biting and mean-spirited and those that laughed either laughed out of their own meanness or with a nervousness that tried not to be too conspicuous.

And all I wanted to be when I got older was a preacher. I thought of myself as one of the "good ones" and thought I'd take pretty well to spending Sundays reminding people just how far they'd fallen. I imagined myself a fiery prophet, eager to "drop the hammer" at any and every opportunity.

In college, this aspect of my personality cooled off somewhat, but certainly didn't fade away. I learned that overt meanness wasn't as acceptable and some amount of tact was called for. Still, I held fast to my "holier than thou" attitude and voiced my opinion strongly, whether it was asked for or not.

And then the bottom fell out. It didn't happen on any given day or week, but I began to look in the mirror and get sick of myself. Sick of the cynicism and anger and self-righteousness. Along with that I became sick of the church and even sick of God.

I stopped going to church, even as I continued to pursue my theology degree. I was "fortunate" enough to be a part of a church that was large enough not to notice my absence. I was gone for almost a year. I was looking at changing my degree. I wasn't sure I still had faith.

And then, slowly but surely, God begin stripping away my cynicism and anger and self-righteousness. Christ began to destroy the old me and to bring a new one to life. Jesus, who had claimed me at the age of 13, wasn't letting me go without a fight.

And I eventually gave in. Gave in and was willing to become whoever it was that Christ needed me to be.

In the last chapter of the gospel of John, Jesus shares breakfast with his disciples, the same disciples who fled when he was arrested and crucified. As they eat together, he addresses Peter, the disciple who denied knowing Jesus on the very day that Jesus died.

Jesus has a question for Peter. "Peter, do you love me?"

Peter answers that he does and Jesus responds by saying, "Feed my sheep."

Jesus asks the question three times, Peter responds in kind three times, and three times Jesus comissions Peter to care for Jesus' sheep. To care for all people, who were created to be followers of Jesus, created for relationship with The Good Shepherd. Christ calls Peter to serve as a sort of assistant shepherd, and to care for the sheep.

The word we use for this nowadays is pastor. A pastor is someone who is called to love those who still need to know Jesus and to tend to those who already do. To nurture and care for all people, since all people were created to be followers of Christ.

I never wanted to be a pastor. I wanted to be a preacher. But when Christ became my Savior, he also became my Lord. When he called me to follow him, he comissioned me to feed his sheep. He commanded me to love people and hurt with people and listen to people and share with people. To try and offer them direction and keep them on track.

It wasn't a job I ever wanted, but it's one I thank him for. It's not a job I'm at all qualified to do, except for his working in me.

In the movie Pulp Fiction, Jules Winnfield is a mob hitman who experiences a moment of divine intervention in his life. The moment causes him to reflect on his life and his work and on a passage he always quotes from Ezekiel 25:17. In the final moments of the film, Jules shares his thoughts with a two bit crook who has just attempted to rob Jules and whose life Jules has decided to spare.

"Now I'm thinking it could mean you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here is the shepherd, protecting me. Or maybe it means that you're the righteous man, and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that, but you see, that ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, I'm trying real hard, to be the shepherd."

On any given day any one of us risks being the tyranny of evil men. The line between good and evil is drawn right down the center of the human heart. But in Christ we are called and through Christ we are empowered to show love, to offer help, to give direction, to provide protection to any and everyone we come into contact with. It isn't in us to be the shepherd, and so we must be in him.