I've been at my alma mater this week for a series of preaching lectures and classes known as Summit. I came up mostly to hear authors Kathleen Norris and Donald Miller speak, and to get a chance to visit with old friends and catch up on their lives. Coming back always brings about conflicting emotions, because my alma mater is a part of a heritage that I have left behind (officially) and cannot leave behind (realistically).
During one of these catch up conversations this week, a friend asked if I find it strange to be back here and I answered "Yes." That was three days ago, and I have been trying to sort out exactly what it is that feels strange or why it is that it does.
A bit of back story. Without getting into the whole 100+ year history of the denomination of the Church of Christ, it is the denomination I grew up in and come out of. It is one that I celebrate having been a part of when I consider my love for the Bible, for the gospel, and for Jesus. My impulses towards Christian community done more simply were born out of this heritage. My desires to see "every member a minister" and to be "Christians only, but not the only Christians" were taught to me in the Church of Christ. But the Church of Christ and I also find ourselves in ongoing disagreement about the role of women in the church or the use of instruments in worship or the deeper disagreement about how we approach the Bible and why.
The Church of Christ is a complicated denomination, one that counts autonomy among it's founding principles, which means that it is possible to be in sharp disagreement with the Church of Christ and still be a member of the Church of Christ. And so some have asked me (it's worth noting that my leaving has not caused any great stir, nor should it), usually with some disappointment or disapproval, why it was that I chose to leave the Church of Christ. The perception seems to be that I left angry and my leaving has been characterized, at times, as that of a petulant child throwing a tantrum.
I once heard an ACU Bible professor share a story of a series of angry and hurtful attacks he had received in response to an article he had written about some part of the Church of Christ's history. When describing why he still remained in the Church of Christ he talked about the autonomy that I mentioned previously and celebrated that he was as much a part of the Church of Christ as any part, and that they couldn't make him leave.
I guess that is part of my dilemma. I never quite felt at home in the Church of Christ. I experienced moments of great hospitality, but always felt as if I were staying in someone else's house. And when you live in someone else's house, it's hard to feel good about rearranging the furniture. I can turn over tables in my own living room, but I feel strongly that I shouldn't do so in yours. I could never get comfortable with the insistence on a capella worship or with the continued silencing of our sisters in Christ. But it wasn't my place to say. It wasn't my house. And I eventually felt that I'd worn out my welcome.
So why, my friend asks, do I keep coming back to things like this? And I say that I want to hear Kathleen Norris and Donald Miller and to catch up with old friends, and that is true. But I also come, like Jacob, to receive my father's blessing. But, unwilling to dress up in my brother's clothes and to pretend to be something I'm not, I never receive it. And leaving without blessing can make a person feel aimless.
Let me be clear, there are many who make me feel blessed. My parents, both born and raised in the Church of Christ, have always blessed our efforts in Austin and our decision to leave the Church of Christ. They have, in fact, also left and are now a part of our work. I am blessed by friends and mentors from within the Church of Christ who encourage me in my work and in my decision. More than that, I feel led in my decision by the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ and feel the blessing of my Father in my work.
So, why is it I'm writing this? What is it I'm looking for and from whom?
I don't know exactly. I do know that I am not looking for an apology (though I will continue to state that my Christian sisters are owed one), I am longing for a blessing. And not just for me, but for my wife and for my family and for so many within my church, so many that I went to school with, so many who have also felt the need to leave the Church of Christ. We have been accused of being a people who deny we have a history. But we know we have a history. I, for one, even celebrate that fact. But we also celebrate that we have a future and that it has taken us outside of the Church of Christ. And like children leaving home and heading into an uncertain future, we want our family to celebrate with us and to bless us on our way.
7 comments:
Nicely stated. I know exactly what you feel.
i wish so much that i could've been there to hear don miller, and maybe even meet him. i'm convinced our paths will cross eventually. it'd be great to hear your thoughts, stories, everything about listening to him or talking with him, if you've gotten to meet him. my dad is there and heard him, said it was really interesting.
i think it feels weird to be at acu, for one reason, because people like us feel alone in our experience. but i think that over the last year or so, as some of us have been talking, it's getting easier to remember that there are a lot of us who share similar beliefs and experiences. i think of people who've been divorced since their acu days. i wonder how they might feel visiting acu again. i wonder about other people who don't feel comfortable being around old friends and on the campus. it's a hard thing. i remind myself that my experience at acu was nurturing. i always felt like it was an incubator, a warm, safe place where i could grow up and get healthy. i feel like that was the blessing i received from the people there. i don't know if i'll get another one. i know that isn't what you mean about the blessing you long for.
Kester-
Great blog - hopefully the good outweighed the bad in Abilene.
I am not a subscriber to the Church of Christ any more either but oddly, it was things that I learned at ACU that led me to that place over the course of time.
I guess for that reason, I do not associate with ACU as old school C of C. And why it always good to be back on the campus for me - I guess for the fond memories that kel mentions.
Good luck with the continued work in Austin.
--Schu
I don't know you but I feel like I know what you are talking about. I've been through something similar.
Hope is crazy. We need it so bad.
I was just telling one of my friends yesterday that the Church of Christ is where I'm from, but not where I'm going. The shame is that I don't really feel like I left (sort of like your professor friend), but it left me (nearly overnight). When I lost my "job," I lost my community. Fortunately, the same denomination that rejected us also taught us about the larger world of the "kingdom of heaven" and being "just Christians" and, in so doing, prepared us to leave. As painful as it was, it allowed us to actually experience the breadth and length and height and depth of this kingdom.
"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)
You might consider starting a Facebook group for former members of the Churches of Christ. I think it would prove to be helpful and healing for folks to give a brief (one paragraph) explanation of why they left. So far, most of the explanations have been mere speculations. This might provide some real answers. It might also lead to some kind of reconciliation and celebration...and blessing. Who knows?
Dad
I feel you, bro.
Not to be trite, but i've been thinking about something Peter Rollins did with ikon in Belfast. As opposed to the Alpha course, it's the Omega Course designed to help you exit Christianity in 12 weeks. I've often entertained the idea of creating a de-catechesis for the disenfranchised Church of Christers out there--the Post-Restorationists if you will. Exiting the Churches of Christ (theologically, but not in terms of friendship or dialogue) in 12 weeks.
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