I spent years of my life being one of the biggest jerks you could ever meet. I had a talent for, within minutes of meeting someone, finding a weakness or soft spot that I might exploit if I ever needed to put that person in their place or enhance my own status in their company. I was known for my sense of humor, though really my sense was all off, my humor was biting and mean-spirited and those that laughed either laughed out of their own meanness or with a nervousness that tried not to be too conspicuous.
And all I wanted to be when I got older was a preacher. I thought of myself as one of the "good ones" and thought I'd take pretty well to spending Sundays reminding people just how far they'd fallen. I imagined myself a fiery prophet, eager to "drop the hammer" at any and every opportunity.
In college, this aspect of my personality cooled off somewhat, but certainly didn't fade away. I learned that overt meanness wasn't as acceptable and some amount of tact was called for. Still, I held fast to my "holier than thou" attitude and voiced my opinion strongly, whether it was asked for or not.
And then the bottom fell out. It didn't happen on any given day or week, but I began to look in the mirror and get sick of myself. Sick of the cynicism and anger and self-righteousness. Along with that I became sick of the church and even sick of God.
I stopped going to church, even as I continued to pursue my theology degree. I was "fortunate" enough to be a part of a church that was large enough not to notice my absence. I was gone for almost a year. I was looking at changing my degree. I wasn't sure I still had faith.
And then, slowly but surely, God begin stripping away my cynicism and anger and self-righteousness. Christ began to destroy the old me and to bring a new one to life. Jesus, who had claimed me at the age of 13, wasn't letting me go without a fight.
And I eventually gave in. Gave in and was willing to become whoever it was that Christ needed me to be.
In the last chapter of the gospel of John, Jesus shares breakfast with his disciples, the same disciples who fled when he was arrested and crucified. As they eat together, he addresses Peter, the disciple who denied knowing Jesus on the very day that Jesus died.
Jesus has a question for Peter. "Peter, do you love me?"
Peter answers that he does and Jesus responds by saying, "Feed my sheep."
Jesus asks the question three times, Peter responds in kind three times, and three times Jesus comissions Peter to care for Jesus' sheep. To care for all people, who were created to be followers of Jesus, created for relationship with The Good Shepherd. Christ calls Peter to serve as a sort of assistant shepherd, and to care for the sheep.
The word we use for this nowadays is pastor. A pastor is someone who is called to love those who still need to know Jesus and to tend to those who already do. To nurture and care for all people, since all people were created to be followers of Christ.
I never wanted to be a pastor. I wanted to be a preacher. But when Christ became my Savior, he also became my Lord. When he called me to follow him, he comissioned me to feed his sheep. He commanded me to love people and hurt with people and listen to people and share with people. To try and offer them direction and keep them on track.
It wasn't a job I ever wanted, but it's one I thank him for. It's not a job I'm at all qualified to do, except for his working in me.
In the movie Pulp Fiction, Jules Winnfield is a mob hitman who experiences a moment of divine intervention in his life. The moment causes him to reflect on his life and his work and on a passage he always quotes from Ezekiel 25:17. In the final moments of the film, Jules shares his thoughts with a two bit crook who has just attempted to rob Jules and whose life Jules has decided to spare.
"Now I'm thinking it could mean you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here is the shepherd, protecting me. Or maybe it means that you're the righteous man, and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that, but you see, that ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, I'm trying real hard, to be the shepherd."
On any given day any one of us risks being the tyranny of evil men. The line between good and evil is drawn right down the center of the human heart. But in Christ we are called and through Christ we are empowered to show love, to offer help, to give direction, to provide protection to any and everyone we come into contact with. It isn't in us to be the shepherd, and so we must be in him.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Reading and Reading...and Reading
I have had the goal of reading The Modern Library's Top 100 Novels List since the list was first compiled, but always seem to get distracted from it. So, I'm going to use the "Reading" section of my "Reading and Listening" updates to attempt to rectify this. The goal will be to always include one of the hundred on my reading list at any given time. Of course, there are some that I have already read, so this shouldn't take as long as it might otherwise. I'd love to finish it before this time next year (no promises). So, books to be looking for on my weekly "Reading" updates:
1. ULYSSES by James Joyce
3. A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN by James Joyce
4. LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov
8. DARKNESS AT NOON by Arthur Koestler
9. SONS AND LOVERS by D.H. Lawrence
12. THE WAY OF ALL FLESH by Samuel Butler
14. I, CLAUDIUS by Robert Graves
15. TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf
16. AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY by Theodore Dreiser
22. APPOINTMENT IN SAMARRA by John O'Hara
23. U.S.A. (trilogy) by John Dos Passos
24. WINESBURG, OHIO by Sherwood Anderson
25. A PASSAGE TO INDIA by E.M. Forster
26. THE WINGS OF THE DOVE by Henry James
27. THE AMBASSADORS by Henry James
28. TENDER IS THE NIGHT by F. Scott Fitzgerald
29. THE STUDS LONIGAN TRILOGY by James T. Farrell
30. THE GOOD SOLDIER by Ford Madox Ford
32. THE GOLDEN BOWL by Henry James
33. SISTER CARRIE by Theodore Dreiser
34. A HANDFUL OF DUST by Evelyn Waugh
38. HOWARDS END by E.M. Forster
39. GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN by James Baldwin
42. DELIVERANCE by James Dickey
43. A DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF TIME (series) by Anthony Powell
44. POINT COUNTER POINT by Aldous Huxley
46. THE SECRET AGENT by Joseph Conrad
47. NOSTROMO by Joseph Conrad
48. THE RAINBOW by D.H. Lawrence
49. WOMEN IN LOVE by D.H. Lawrence
50. TROPIC OF CANCER by Henry Miller
51. THE NAKED AND THE DEAD by Norman Mailer
53. PALE FIRE by Vladimir Nabokov
54. LIGHT IN AUGUST by William Faulkner
57. PARADE'S END by Ford Madox Ford
58. THE AGE OF INNOCENCE by Edith Wharton
59. ZULEIKA DOBSON by Max Beerbohm
62. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY by James Jones
63. THE WAPSHOT CHRONICLES by John Cheever
65. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by Anthony Burgess
67. HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad
68. MAIN STREET by Sinclair Lewis
69. THE HOUSE OF MIRTH by Edith Wharton
70. THE ALEXANDRIA QUARTET by Lawrence Durell
71. A HIGH WIND IN JAMAICA by Richard Hughes
72. A HOUSE FOR MR BISWAS by V.S. Naipaul
75. SCOOP by Evelyn Waugh
76. THE PRIME OF MISS JEAN BRODIE by Muriel Spark
77. FINNEGANS WAKE by James Joyce
78. KIM by Rudyard Kipling
79. A ROOM WITH A VIEW by E.M. Forster
80. BRIDESHEAD REVISITED by Evelyn Waugh
82. ANGLE OF REPOSE by Wallace Stegner
83. A BEND IN THE RIVER by V.S. Naipaul
84. THE DEATH OF THE HEART by Elizabeth Bowen
85. LORD JIM by Joseph Conrad
86. RAGTIME by E.L. Doctorow
87. THE OLD WIVES' TALE by Arnold Bennett
89. LOVING by Henry Green
90. MIDNIGHT'S CHILDREN by Salman Rushdie
91. TOBACCO ROAD by Erskine Caldwell
92. IRONWEED by William Kennedy
93. THE MAGUS by John Fowles
94. WIDE SARGASSO SEA by Jean Rhys
95. UNDER THE NET by Iris Murdoch
96. SOPHIE'S CHOICE by William Styron
97. THE SHELTERING SKY by Paul Bowles
98. THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE by James M. Cain
99. THE GINGER MAN by J.P. Donleavy
100. THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS by Booth Tarkington
1. ULYSSES by James Joyce
3. A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN by James Joyce
4. LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov
8. DARKNESS AT NOON by Arthur Koestler
9. SONS AND LOVERS by D.H. Lawrence
12. THE WAY OF ALL FLESH by Samuel Butler
14. I, CLAUDIUS by Robert Graves
15. TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf
16. AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY by Theodore Dreiser
22. APPOINTMENT IN SAMARRA by John O'Hara
23. U.S.A. (trilogy) by John Dos Passos
24. WINESBURG, OHIO by Sherwood Anderson
25. A PASSAGE TO INDIA by E.M. Forster
26. THE WINGS OF THE DOVE by Henry James
27. THE AMBASSADORS by Henry James
28. TENDER IS THE NIGHT by F. Scott Fitzgerald
29. THE STUDS LONIGAN TRILOGY by James T. Farrell
30. THE GOOD SOLDIER by Ford Madox Ford
32. THE GOLDEN BOWL by Henry James
33. SISTER CARRIE by Theodore Dreiser
34. A HANDFUL OF DUST by Evelyn Waugh
38. HOWARDS END by E.M. Forster
39. GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN by James Baldwin
42. DELIVERANCE by James Dickey
43. A DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF TIME (series) by Anthony Powell
44. POINT COUNTER POINT by Aldous Huxley
46. THE SECRET AGENT by Joseph Conrad
47. NOSTROMO by Joseph Conrad
48. THE RAINBOW by D.H. Lawrence
49. WOMEN IN LOVE by D.H. Lawrence
50. TROPIC OF CANCER by Henry Miller
51. THE NAKED AND THE DEAD by Norman Mailer
53. PALE FIRE by Vladimir Nabokov
54. LIGHT IN AUGUST by William Faulkner
57. PARADE'S END by Ford Madox Ford
58. THE AGE OF INNOCENCE by Edith Wharton
59. ZULEIKA DOBSON by Max Beerbohm
62. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY by James Jones
63. THE WAPSHOT CHRONICLES by John Cheever
65. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by Anthony Burgess
67. HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad
68. MAIN STREET by Sinclair Lewis
69. THE HOUSE OF MIRTH by Edith Wharton
70. THE ALEXANDRIA QUARTET by Lawrence Durell
71. A HIGH WIND IN JAMAICA by Richard Hughes
72. A HOUSE FOR MR BISWAS by V.S. Naipaul
75. SCOOP by Evelyn Waugh
76. THE PRIME OF MISS JEAN BRODIE by Muriel Spark
77. FINNEGANS WAKE by James Joyce
78. KIM by Rudyard Kipling
79. A ROOM WITH A VIEW by E.M. Forster
80. BRIDESHEAD REVISITED by Evelyn Waugh
82. ANGLE OF REPOSE by Wallace Stegner
83. A BEND IN THE RIVER by V.S. Naipaul
84. THE DEATH OF THE HEART by Elizabeth Bowen
85. LORD JIM by Joseph Conrad
86. RAGTIME by E.L. Doctorow
87. THE OLD WIVES' TALE by Arnold Bennett
89. LOVING by Henry Green
90. MIDNIGHT'S CHILDREN by Salman Rushdie
91. TOBACCO ROAD by Erskine Caldwell
92. IRONWEED by William Kennedy
93. THE MAGUS by John Fowles
94. WIDE SARGASSO SEA by Jean Rhys
95. UNDER THE NET by Iris Murdoch
96. SOPHIE'S CHOICE by William Styron
97. THE SHELTERING SKY by Paul Bowles
98. THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE by James M. Cain
99. THE GINGER MAN by J.P. Donleavy
100. THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS by Booth Tarkington
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Reading and Listening
Reading...
The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano. An excellent and very long book. Some will find it worth it (I did), but many will not. The story that moves so well in sections 1 and 3 meanders in section 2. However, the meandering nature of section 2 is intentional. The section is set up as a series of interviews with an endless cast of characters, some of whom can spin a yarn and others who seem to be talking just to hear themselves talk. Bolano can write sentences that take up half a page. Sometimes it's brilliant, other times endless. I thought the book was great, but could have been edited from its almost 600 pages down to about 400.
The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall. Wow. The setup sounds like a Memento ripoff (man wakes up to discover his memory is gone, but notes have been left by himself in order to help guide him), but that's where the plot similarities end. This book is like an amazing mix of Nick Hornby and Murakami (heavy on the Murakami). Neil Gaiman, but better. A sort of "regular bloke" 1st person voice in the most fantastic of magical realism circumstances. Check it out.
Wise Blood by Flannery O'Connor. I cannot count how many times I have read this novel. In my top 5 novels of the 20th Century. O'Connor writes the freaks of the "Christ haunted South" in a way that few others could and no others did. I recommend anything by O'Connor, but Wise Blood is my favorite.
Listening to...
Halos and Lassos by Half-Handed Cloud. Mates of State meets Tilly and the Wall meets Sufjan Stevens. Everything you'd expect from a band on the Asthmatic Kitty label (Danielson, Sufjan, etc.) and more. Psalms for the 21st Century.
Woke On A Whaleheart by Bill Callahan. Not as good as the best Smog stuff, but better than a lot of it. A natural follow up to A River Ain't Too Much To Love.
The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano. An excellent and very long book. Some will find it worth it (I did), but many will not. The story that moves so well in sections 1 and 3 meanders in section 2. However, the meandering nature of section 2 is intentional. The section is set up as a series of interviews with an endless cast of characters, some of whom can spin a yarn and others who seem to be talking just to hear themselves talk. Bolano can write sentences that take up half a page. Sometimes it's brilliant, other times endless. I thought the book was great, but could have been edited from its almost 600 pages down to about 400.
The Raw Shark Texts by Steven Hall. Wow. The setup sounds like a Memento ripoff (man wakes up to discover his memory is gone, but notes have been left by himself in order to help guide him), but that's where the plot similarities end. This book is like an amazing mix of Nick Hornby and Murakami (heavy on the Murakami). Neil Gaiman, but better. A sort of "regular bloke" 1st person voice in the most fantastic of magical realism circumstances. Check it out.
Wise Blood by Flannery O'Connor. I cannot count how many times I have read this novel. In my top 5 novels of the 20th Century. O'Connor writes the freaks of the "Christ haunted South" in a way that few others could and no others did. I recommend anything by O'Connor, but Wise Blood is my favorite.
Listening to...
Halos and Lassos by Half-Handed Cloud. Mates of State meets Tilly and the Wall meets Sufjan Stevens. Everything you'd expect from a band on the Asthmatic Kitty label (Danielson, Sufjan, etc.) and more. Psalms for the 21st Century.
Woke On A Whaleheart by Bill Callahan. Not as good as the best Smog stuff, but better than a lot of it. A natural follow up to A River Ain't Too Much To Love.
Monday, April 23, 2007
I Want To Praise You Like I Should
Just around 7 years ago, I was having one of the worst years of my life.
10 months previous, things were going fine. I'd been married just over a year, Rachel was beginning graduate school, and I was working for my alma mater.
Now I was out of work, we were barely paying the rent let alone keeping Rachel in grad school, and it was starting to look like my marriage might be falling apart before it even really got started.
People have certainly found themselves in worse circumstances, but my hopelessness and depression were overwhelming me. On top of that (because of that?) I was feeling as far from God as I possibly ever had. I looked around and couldn't see anything to be thankful for.
Willie Nelson has a song called "Too Sick To Pray", and, that year, his sentiments were my own.
Then one day changed everything. My circumstances didn't change, but everything else did. I woke up, spent the morning applying for jobs, came back to the apartment for lunch, and fell on the couch in a funk.
But that day the Holy Spirit started working on me. It started as a sort of Job-like tirade, I stood up in the middle of my living room and began to challenge God, to question Him, and then to shout at Him. I don't know if I literally shook my fist, but that would certainly have captured the essence of the experience.
And then, in the midst of it, I began to realize just who it was I was shouting at. Someone much bigger and better than I could ever be. I began to realize that a posture of penitence might be more appropriate than one of defiance.
Almost against my will, my legs began to give out and I was face down on the floor. And it was there that I started to speak these words:
Oh God, you are my God
And I will ever praise you
Oh God, you are my God
And I will ever praise you
I will seek you in the morning
And I will learn to walk in your ways
And step by step you'll lead me
And I will follow you all of my days
I kept repeating this chorus. What began as an angry and defiant shout turned into singing and then into sobbing.
And I learned something that day. That praise and thanksgiving are not the same. They are certainly connected, but not the same. Thanksgiving is what it sounds like, giving thanks for the things in your life that you are thankful for.
Praise is different. It is an acknowledgment of God in spite of circumstance. That God is God and God is good. That I will praise God even when I can't think of anything to thank Him for. That the time that I most need to praise is when I'm too sick to pray.
That day was a turnaround for me, not just for that day or that year, but for my life as a whole. I began to place my life in His hands in an entirely different way. I began to make a regular practice of adopting the posture of praise regardless of circumstance. Because, regardless of the circumstances, God is God and God is good.
10 months previous, things were going fine. I'd been married just over a year, Rachel was beginning graduate school, and I was working for my alma mater.
Now I was out of work, we were barely paying the rent let alone keeping Rachel in grad school, and it was starting to look like my marriage might be falling apart before it even really got started.
People have certainly found themselves in worse circumstances, but my hopelessness and depression were overwhelming me. On top of that (because of that?) I was feeling as far from God as I possibly ever had. I looked around and couldn't see anything to be thankful for.
Willie Nelson has a song called "Too Sick To Pray", and, that year, his sentiments were my own.
Then one day changed everything. My circumstances didn't change, but everything else did. I woke up, spent the morning applying for jobs, came back to the apartment for lunch, and fell on the couch in a funk.
But that day the Holy Spirit started working on me. It started as a sort of Job-like tirade, I stood up in the middle of my living room and began to challenge God, to question Him, and then to shout at Him. I don't know if I literally shook my fist, but that would certainly have captured the essence of the experience.
And then, in the midst of it, I began to realize just who it was I was shouting at. Someone much bigger and better than I could ever be. I began to realize that a posture of penitence might be more appropriate than one of defiance.
Almost against my will, my legs began to give out and I was face down on the floor. And it was there that I started to speak these words:
Oh God, you are my God
And I will ever praise you
Oh God, you are my God
And I will ever praise you
I will seek you in the morning
And I will learn to walk in your ways
And step by step you'll lead me
And I will follow you all of my days
I kept repeating this chorus. What began as an angry and defiant shout turned into singing and then into sobbing.
And I learned something that day. That praise and thanksgiving are not the same. They are certainly connected, but not the same. Thanksgiving is what it sounds like, giving thanks for the things in your life that you are thankful for.
Praise is different. It is an acknowledgment of God in spite of circumstance. That God is God and God is good. That I will praise God even when I can't think of anything to thank Him for. That the time that I most need to praise is when I'm too sick to pray.
That day was a turnaround for me, not just for that day or that year, but for my life as a whole. I began to place my life in His hands in an entirely different way. I began to make a regular practice of adopting the posture of praise regardless of circumstance. Because, regardless of the circumstances, God is God and God is good.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Reading and Listening
Reading...
Absurdistan by Gary Shteyngart. One of the New York Times Book Review's Top 10 Books of 2006. Just out in paperback. Funny and sad and shocking and sweaty. Absurdistan's anti-hero is like A Confederacy of Dunces' Ignatius J. Reilly with Russian sensibilities. Excellent.
The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West. Awhile back I was reading West's Miss Lonelyhearts and recommended it heartily. This one even more so. For fans of Waugh or Fitzgerald.
The Dead Fish Museum by Charles D'Ambrosio. Have worked through about 2/3 of the short stories in this collection and haven't found one I didn't love. Stands up against any of the great short story writers of the 20th century.
Tepper Isn't Going Out by Calvin Trillin. This book makes me wish I had lived in New York, because it has very much the insider critique. Still, the themes are universal, the characters charming, and the story excellent.
Listening to...
Rock Plaza Central. Previously recommended. Can't recommend them enough. Everything you love about Neutral Milk Hotel, Will Oldham, Of Montreal, etc.
Bright Eyes. This new albumcmay be my favorite. Hard to say.
Michael Penn's greatest hits collection. Remember this late 90's favorite? Remember what a singable song No Myth was? Either way, check him out. For fans of Jon Brion, Aimee Mann, and George Harrison.
Absurdistan by Gary Shteyngart. One of the New York Times Book Review's Top 10 Books of 2006. Just out in paperback. Funny and sad and shocking and sweaty. Absurdistan's anti-hero is like A Confederacy of Dunces' Ignatius J. Reilly with Russian sensibilities. Excellent.
The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West. Awhile back I was reading West's Miss Lonelyhearts and recommended it heartily. This one even more so. For fans of Waugh or Fitzgerald.
The Dead Fish Museum by Charles D'Ambrosio. Have worked through about 2/3 of the short stories in this collection and haven't found one I didn't love. Stands up against any of the great short story writers of the 20th century.
Tepper Isn't Going Out by Calvin Trillin. This book makes me wish I had lived in New York, because it has very much the insider critique. Still, the themes are universal, the characters charming, and the story excellent.
Listening to...
Rock Plaza Central. Previously recommended. Can't recommend them enough. Everything you love about Neutral Milk Hotel, Will Oldham, Of Montreal, etc.
Bright Eyes. This new albumcmay be my favorite. Hard to say.
Michael Penn's greatest hits collection. Remember this late 90's favorite? Remember what a singable song No Myth was? Either way, check him out. For fans of Jon Brion, Aimee Mann, and George Harrison.
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