Not to get all TMI on you, but it has been a long time since I've worn a condom. That is, up until a month or so ago. Then I started wearing them again for the first time in years. Every time. No exceptions.
Now, I'm not anti-condom or anti-birth control. That wasn't why I hadn't been wearing them. I had worn them before Harry was born and after he was born, during phases and stages when Rachel wasn't taking birth control pills and we weren't looking to have a kid.
But for the past few years, we'd been hoping to have a second child, so the condoms and pills were out.
Up until a little over a month ago.
And I realized this week that it wasn't because I've rethought wanting to have another kid. I want that as much as I did a year ago. I want it as much as I did a couple of months back, when Rachel told me she was pregnant.
But then Rachel and I went through a miscarriage. And I started using condoms.
The last few weeks of daily prayer have been revealing something to me. The time spent in our church's study of the Old Testament has reminded me that we are called to live fearlessly. And the wise words and listening ear of a close friend have helped me to realize that I'm not trying to avoid another pregnancy.
I'm trying to avoid another miscarriage.
I'm wanting a guarantee when I know that isn't how this works. I'm looking to avoid pain, even if it means missing out on something great. I'm letting fear get the best of me. I'm trying to protect myself from a bad thing that may never happen and risk missing out on a good thing that might.
And that's not how I'm called to live. It's not how I want to live. And, as a Christian, it's not how I choose to live.
So, as of today, the condoms go back in the box and I go back to unprotected sex. My wife, always more faithful and fearless than I, will be pleased.
And maybe nothing happens. And maybe we get pregnant. And maybe we miscarry again. And maybe we don't. The future is uncertain. And that scares me. But we were not made to live in fear, but in hope; by the power of the Spirit of God whose love casts out fear.
Here we go.
4 comments:
what brave choice - and great post
i think a miscarriage is one of the worst things people go through, because there's so much let-down and grief and so little comfort. but i love it when people talk about it like you have. there is much to fear, but hope prevails in a grateful heart.
I have been praying for continued peace for you and Rachel since the miscarriage. I will now pray for courage and joy in every circumstance.
Kester,
I didn't know you until tonight. I'm sitting in a starbucks, mad. Me and my wife came from San Antonio to Austin to celebrate my b-day and after 30 minutes here, things warmed up and I decided to leave the hotel. Because I know what follows. ...but, What follows? Pain? and Then? I know that I have to be back. So, Why am I here?. Am I looking for an easy exit? Is that the answer? Does it even exist? Is that what the Spirit calls us to live? Or to absorb violence and turn it into Shalom? Am I acting out of trust or fear? I do not know how to fix this, I don't even think I can, but I know I have to go back. I know I have to be an agent of reconciliation. I may fail, I may not. But I guess that's your point. That's what your post made me think about. You are taking risks. I know I have to too. Just as everyone in our tradition has done since Abraham. May God bless you and keep you so you can continue sharing your life with others and continue to spread the seed of the Kingdom.
I'll be at your bookstore tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get to meet you.
Grace and Peace.
klv.
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